Being undead is a giant pain in the neck. Most people think vampires are these brooding, leather-clad supermodels who spend their nights staring intensely at rainy windows. Christopher Moore doesn't buy that. In his world, specifically in the 2007 novel You Suck: A Love Story, being a vampire is mostly just confusing, messy, and involves a lot of bronze.
You've probably seen the cover. It’s simple, bold, and perfectly captures the tone of Moore’s San Francisco. This isn’t Twilight. Nobody is sparkling here. Instead, we have Thomas Flood, a guy who just wanted to be a writer and maybe bowl a few frozen turkeys at the Safeway where he worked the night shift.
But then he met Jody.
By the time You Suck Christopher Moore begins, the disaster has already happened. Jody, a redhead who was turned into a vampire in the first book (Bloodsucking Fiends), has decided she can't live without Tommy. Her solution? She kills him. Sorta. She turns him into a vampire so they can be together forever. Tommy’s reaction to waking up dead is basically the title of the book.
The Chaos of Accidental Immortality
If you haven’t read the first book, don't sweat it. Moore is good at catching you up without making it feel like a homework assignment. Tommy is now a "fledgling." He’s pale, he’s hungry, and he has no idea how to be a creature of the night. He's also stuck in his nineteen-year-old body forever. That sounds cool until you realize he didn't have time to hit the gym before the change. He’s stuck with whatever physique he had when Jody bit him.
The story picks up right in the foggy streets of San Francisco. It’s a city Moore clearly loves, but he populates it with the weirdest people you’ve ever met.
Meet the Minion: Abby Normal
Honestly, the best part of this book isn't even the vampires. It's Abby Normal. She’s a sixteen-year-old Goth girl who desperately wants to be "dark" and "edgy" but is naturally way too perky. Tommy and Jody need a "minion"—someone to run errands during the day because, you know, the sun is a giant death lamp.
Abby takes the job with terrifying enthusiasm. She starts keeping a diary, which Moore uses to narrate large chunks of the book. Her voice is pure chaos. It’s a mix of "so I'm all..." and "then he's like..." that perfectly captures that specific era of teenage slang.
She also has a massive, shaved cat named Chet.
Chet is blue.
Why is the cat blue? Because "The Animals"—Tommy’s old coworkers from the Safeway—are back. They’re a group of well-meaning but incredibly dim-witted guys who found a stash of money and decided to spend it on a blue-dyed Las Vegas call girl named Blue. Somewhere in the madness, the cat gets dyed too. It’s that kind of book.
Why Moore’s Vampires are Different
Most vampire fiction focuses on the power. Moore focuses on the logistics.
How do you move to a new apartment when you can’t go outside during the day? What do you do with the ancient vampire who turned you if you’ve managed to "bronze" him into a statue?
That’s a real plot point. In the previous book, they covered the old vampire, Elijah, in bronze. Now they have a heavy, immortal statue in their living room that they have to lug around. It’s basically Weekend at Bernie’s but with a bloodsucker.
The Humanity in the Humor
Despite the jokes about "heinous fuckery," there’s a weirdly sweet core to the story. Tommy and Jody are legitimately trying to make a relationship work under the worst possible circumstances.
There’s a scene where Jody feeds on a man with terminal cancer. It could have been gross or purely dark, but Moore writes it with a surprising amount of grace. It’s a reminder that even in a book called You Suck, the characters have souls. Or at least they did.
The Crossover Appeal
If you’re a fan of Moore’s other work, like A Dirty Job, you’ll notice some familiar faces. This is part of the "Moore-verse." The Emperor of San Francisco—a homeless man who believes he’s the actual Emperor of the United States—shows up here too.
Moore uses these cameos to make the world feel lived-in. San Francisco feels like a character itself, filled with hidden pockets of magic and stupidity.
Addressing the Critics
Not everyone loved the shift in tone from the first book. Some readers felt Jody became a bit more "monstrous" or that the plot felt like a sitcom.
Is it a deep, philosophical exploration of the human condition? No. Is it a hilarious ride through a weird version of California? Absolutely.
The pacing is frantic. One minute they’re trying to avoid the cops (Detectives Rivera and Cavuto), and the next they’re dealing with a vampire hunter named Steve who might actually be a decent guy. It’s messy because life—and death—is messy.
Actionable Insights for Readers
If you're thinking about diving into the world of You Suck Christopher Moore, here is how to get the most out of it:
- Read the Trilogy in Order: While you can read this as a standalone, it’s way better if you start with Bloodsucking Fiends and finish with Bite Me. The character arcs actually matter.
- Listen to the Audiobook: Susan Bennett narrates the "Chronicles of Abby Normal" sections, and she absolutely nails the teenage Goth voice. It adds a whole new layer of comedy.
- Don't Skip the Last Sentence: There is a specific warning in the fan community: do not flip to the end of the book early. The final sentence is a gut-punch that changes the context of the entire "love story" subtitle.
- Look for the Cameos: Keep an eye out for Charlie Asher from A Dirty Job. The timelines overlap in a way that is really satisfying if you're paying attention.
Christopher Moore manages to take a genre that was, frankly, being beaten to death in the mid-2000s and make it feel fresh by making it absurd. He reminds us that if vampires were real, they probably wouldn't be suave. They'd probably be just as bored, horny, and confused as the rest of us.
