It is a Tuesday afternoon, and you are stuck in gridlock. The guy in the silver sedan just cut you off without a blinker, and now your heart is hammering against your ribs like a trapped bird. You want to scream. You want to honk. You want to change the flow of traffic with your mind. But here is the cold, hard truth of human existence: you can control them not that one.
Specifically, you can control your internal gears, but you cannot control the external chaos.
Most of us spend about 90% of our mental energy trying to manipulate the "not that one" category—other people's opinions, the weather, the economy, or the person who didn't text back. We act like we have a remote control for the universe, but the batteries died decades ago. Honestly, it’s exhausting. Stoicism, a philosophy that’s been around since Zeno of Citium started preaching on a porch in Athens around 300 BCE, centers entirely on this divide. They called it the "dichotomy of control." If it isn't your own thought or your own deliberate action, it belongs in the trash bin of things you shouldn't worry about.
The Hard Logic of You Can Control Them Not That One
Let’s get granular. When we say you can control them not that one, we are talking about the "them"—your judgments, your intentions, and your voluntary responses. The "not that one" is everything else.
Think about a job interview. You can control how much you prepare. You can control the shine on your shoes. You can control the way you articulate your past failures as "learning opportunities." But you cannot control the interviewer’s mood. Maybe they had a fight with their spouse this morning. Maybe they just don't like the sound of your voice. If you tie your happiness to getting the job, you’ve handed your leash to a stranger.
Psychologists often refer to this as an "Internal Locus of Control." Research published in journals like Psychological Reports consistently shows that people with a high internal locus of control experience lower levels of stress and depression. They understand the boundary. They know that while they can influence a situation, they do not own the outcome. It’s a subtle shift, but it changes how your brain processes failure.
Why our brains hate this
Biology is partially to blame. Our amygdala is wired for survival, not philosophical nuance. To a caveman, "controlling" the environment meant not getting eaten by a saber-toothed cat. Evolution favored the anxious. But in 2026, that same hardware is trying to "control" a Twitter thread or a corporate restructuring. It’s a mismatch of epic proportions.
We feel a sense of "perceived control," which is a psychological illusion. We think if we worry enough, we are somehow contributing to a solution. We aren't. We're just redlining our engines while the car is in park.
Breaking Down the "Not That One" Category
The "not that one" is massive. It’s the ocean. It’s the sprawling, messy reality of billions of other people acting on their own messy impulses.
- Other People’s Opinions: This is the big one. You can be the most delicious peach in the world, and there will still be someone who hates peaches. Their dislike is a reflection of their palate, not your quality.
- The Past: It is a closed book. You can't edit the pages. Every second spent wishing a past event went differently is a second stolen from the only thing you actually own: right now.
- Outcomes: This is the hardest pill to swallow. You can do everything right and still lose. That is not a failure of your control; it’s just the statistical reality of a complex system.
When you stop trying to manage the "not that one," a weird thing happens. You suddenly have a massive surplus of energy. You’re no longer leaking power into the void.
Reclaiming the "Them" (Your Reactions)
So, if you’re pulling your energy back, where does it go? It goes into the "them"—the variables that actually respond to your touch.
The space between stimulus and response
Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, famously noted that between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. That space is where you can control them not that one becomes a superpower.
If someone insults you, the "stimulus" is their words. That's the "not that one." Your "response" is whether you get angry, laugh it off, or ignore it. That’s the "them." Most people live their whole lives without ever realizing that space exists. They just react. Stimulus-Response. Like a kicked dog. But humans have the unique capacity to insert a pause.
Mastering your internal narrative
What do you tell yourself about what’s happening? If your car breaks down, is it a "disaster that always happens to me," or is it "a mechanical failure that requires a tow truck"? The first narrative creates suffering. The second creates a task. You can control the narrative. You cannot control the alternator.
Why This Matters for Mental Health in 2026
We live in an era of hyper-connectivity. We are bombarded with "not that ones" every time we unlock our phones. Global crises, local tragedies, and the curated successes of people we barely know. It’s a recipe for a permanent state of "learned helplessness."
Learned helplessness occurs when you feel like nothing you do matters because you are focused on the things you can't change. By pivoting back to you can control them not that one, you break the cycle. You start small. You control your morning routine. You control how you speak to the barista. You control your effort at the gym. These small wins rebuild the neural pathways of agency.
It’s not about being passive. It’s about being precise. It’s the difference between a person flailing in the water and a person swimming with the current. One drowns from exhaustion; the other reaches the shore.
Practical Next Steps for Taking Control
Understanding this intellectually is easy. Practicing it when you’re actually upset is incredibly hard. Here is how you actually implement this in your daily life without sounding like a self-help robot.
- The "Can I Do Something?" Filter: Next time you feel stressed, ask yourself: "Is there a specific action I can take in the next ten minutes to change this?" If yes, do it. If no, you are officially in "not that one" territory. Acknowledge it. "I am worried about something I cannot change." Labeling the feeling reduces its power.
- Audit Your Outrage: Look at your social media feed. How many of those posts are about things you can actually influence? If the answer is zero, close the app. You are voluntarily surrendering your peace of mind to the "not that one" category.
- Focus on Inputs, Not Outputs: Instead of saying "I need to lose 10 pounds" (an output you can't perfectly control), say "I will eat a high-protein breakfast and walk for 30 minutes today" (inputs you can control).
- Practice the "Pause": When someone says something that ticks you off, count to three. In those three seconds, remind yourself: Their words are them. My reaction is me. You’ll be surprised how often the anger evaporates when you realize it’s an optional weight you’re choosing to carry.
Realizing you can control them not that one is essentially the ultimate "life hack." It isn't about being cold or uncaring. It's about being effective. When you stop fighting the tide, you finally have the strength to steer the boat. Stop trying to fix the world before you’ve mastered the person staring back at you in the mirror. That person is the only one you’re ever going to truly manage.
